casual fridays.

this photo is part of a new outdoor art installation by where i live. when i saw it on my walk this morning, i had to laugh. have you ever seen something that so deeply resonates with who you are? for me, this sign – on so many levels.

to be honest – as that’s what we do here – i’m struggling with writing this post. how do i return to something that had brought me so much joy after not writing for over a year and being cautious and hesitant for probably two? but i want to; i love writing and sometimes i remember i’m actually pretty good at it. after having a few people remind me of this this week (and promising my therapist i would), i thought, “hey, you did pay for the domain and hosting for another year after forgetting to remove the autopay…why not give it a go?”

what do we talk about now? who knows, it’s not like there has ever been a defined theme to the content that graces these digital pages. but here’s a little of what’s been on my mind lately:

  • all black lives matter. period.
  • female reproductive rights is the hill i will die on. a woman can and should be the sole decision-maker of her body. send me every uterus, menstruation, etc. post you see forever.
  • quarantine has been particularly hard as a single person who thrives off of touch. it’s been particularly easy as a person who uses seclusion to deal with, well, a lot of things.
  • i very recently discovered how to make small-batch mason jar ice cream. it’s pretty delicious and way too simple to make. now i either need to forget i have this knowledge or fully commit and figure out how to add/balance flavours other than vanilla.
  • budgeting and organizing are my two new past times, and if you think that sounds pretty familiar, i am very proud to say i’m slowly turning into sister.

it’s taken more time than i’d like to admit to write these few paragraphs, but here it is. a start. an olive branch to myself, coaxing me back out.

casual fridays.

happy friday, lovies! the sun is shining in the sky and out of my face. i’ve decided that little rays of sunshine is going to help everything forever. (the humidity on the other hand…that’s just making me constantly sweaty – welcome back to ontario, laura.)

i’ve taken time away from this space and from a lot of the sharing outlets in my life. i work in social and don’t want to look at instagram again at the end of the day. i’m learning new skills and am worn out in the evening to invest the energy into blossoming my creativity. my anxiety is high, like super high, and depression is creeping back. my head isn’t a great place, though it isn’t terrible. it’s been worse and i’m very lucky i’m not there. i’m working on it and using my tools. if you don’t tend your garden, how can you expect it to grow in beauty and not weeds?

it is in times of change and growth that I lean back on the known, the common. i miss the stability that used to exist. what i used to call lonely and boring, i glorify for its reliability. that means i’m currently playing the highlight reel of alberta in my mind, missing people and landmarks and my favourite coffee shop. it takes time to establish those things in a new place, and that’s where the concentration needs to be. i made the right choice by coming back to toronto and home.

so i’m writing. just to write. i’ve missed the freedom of writing. of allowing myself to be creative and write whatever i wanted to. words can be the stability i search for; the home i create. i hope you enjoy my ramblings, but at the same time, i don’t care if you don’t. i never started a blog for someone else and there have been many times i cared too much about what others thought about it instead of just doing as i wished with my little slice of the internet.

i took a workshop last summer that stretched me to write about things i normally wouldn’t touch. i got uncomfortable. i looked at my writing in a new way, in a way i didn’t love because i wasn’t “good” at it. but i did it, and that’s what makes you better. so i decided i need to do that again. while i haven’t found a continuous course, i did find an erotic writing class at the end of the month and signed up for it. i’m pretty terrified, but think it will be a fun and sexy two hours. i’ve never written anything like that – sexts not included. maybe i’ll share the outcome of that here. get ready for it to get steamy.

no plans for the weekend and i’m overjoyed about that. i’ll fill it with sleeping and cooking and workouts and reading. doesn’t that sound grand?

casual fridays.

let your hair down and relax a little with me, won’t you? it’s been a while since we’ve been casual on a friday.

i’m not too pumped about the snowfall on the roofs. being away for six weeks of fall, i feel like i really didn’t get to experience my favourite season. winter has come too quickly, and i found myself only half-jokingly texting the friend i went to mexico with asking when we can go back.

there is a new happiness i’ve found by being home. it was really tough at first; change always causes me to worry – you’d think i’d stop creating so much of it, but no. but now, i’ve experienced the things that convinced me to move: so much sister and family time, long days laughing with my bestie, a quick lunch break catching up with friends on a weekday, (and a new crop of online dating profiles). i had wondered if i made a rash decision (though, it was years in the making) leaving calgary, but i know that’s not the case.

saying this, i have also been anxious about re-joining real life; i’m feeling a great deal of “imposter syndrome”. like i’ll be figured out soon enough – as what, who knows?! – and get fired from any new job i get within the first month. how does that fear go away? why am i such a nervous person? i’d love to blame it on menstruating, but we’ll see what happens next week.

i learned how to read! no, that doesn’t sound right. i knew how to read read, but i’ve only recently learned how to read books. i never knew how to sit still and hold a book without my neck or arms hurting; how do you get comfortable? it takes more concentration than one thinks. but since we got back from Europe i’ve read 11 books and have a goal to finish 15 by the time the year is through. i haven’t really narrowed down which genres i like yet, but nothing too scary. if you have any suggestions, i’d love to hear!

with all of this reading, i’ve been thinking more about my book lately. i don’t want to abandon that dream yet, which probably means i should actually schedule out some time. they always say the busiest people are the most productive, so maybe creativity will come once i’m busy doing other stuff? plus, from some of the stuff i read – they publish some really bad writing/storylines, so i may be in luck!

sister promised me breakfast doughnuts from the guelph farmer’s market tomorrow morning, so i already know my weekend will be great. hope yours is, too!